November 2011

The week of Halloween week was the worst week of my life!  Steve & I fought like crazy and broke up on Friday after he had a problem at work, working for Colleen.  On the 2nd I went to the dentist and had the one tooth fixed, I also saw Dr.M that day my count was 49K but she decided that I should try Rituxin again.  On the 3rd I saw Dr. Egan and he upped my Buprion to 300mg daily.  I was having a real hard time dealing with fighting with Steve & being worried about having Rituxin again.  On Saturday the 5th, Steve came over to pick up all of his things from the house, it was really over.  I was so mad at him and he was being such a jerk to me and that was when I noticed a hickey on his neck!!  Really!!!  WTF!!!!  I told him I was going to tell his mom that I think he is drinking again and he said don't go anywhere near my moms car.  So I got in my car and drove away!  I was pissed and should not have been driving.  I drove around for a bit until I cooled off.  Becki was texting me asking if I was OK.  I was not!  She invited me to go with her to this thing at Bourbon Street next Friday so I said sure why not.  On the 8th I went in to have the Rituxin again, the nurses in the day hospital all remembered me from my brush with death back in February. My count that day was 20K.  They gave me Tylenol and benydryl and we got started nice and slow.  After the first hour it was time to increase the speed a bit.  After about ten minutes my throat got a bit tight and I felt like I could not swallow so mom got the nurse and the stopped the drip.  She gave me a shot of benydryl and waited for about 20 minutes then we started again and it was fine from then on.  On 11/11/11, Veteran's Day, we went to school for the program which is my favorite thing about Pleasantdale.  That night I went with Becki to the ladies night at Bourbon Street, it was a great time!  I drank way too much and ripped a t-shirt off a stripper!!!  On the 15th I went in for round 2 of Rituxin my count had gone way up to 108K, it went fine and we were home in time for Caley.  Caley & I baked Pumpkin bread that night.  My prednisone was lowered to 10mg daily.  I had my count checked at Burr Ridge on the 19th and it was 118K.  I have to mention that at this time I am not speaking to Steve or I should say he is not talking to me at all!  I was a mess, I cried all day and all night, I could not imagine not being with Steve ever again, but I felt like it had finally happened and we were over forever.  On the 18th I got a call from Colleen saying that J.J. called her and said that Steve was in the hospital in a diabetic coma!  She also mentioned that he said that Steve's girlfriend was asking him to get Steve's mom's phone number.  Great I'm in a terrible state of mind and now I have to worry about him too.  I call J.J. and get what he knows from him and then I call Loyola.  Steve picks up the phone and I was like are you OK and he said sorta and then he was like how do you know I am here.  I told him J.J. called and said his girlfriend wanted his moms number.  I was like you have a girlfriend and he said yeah.  I was heart broken and I hung up.  Glad that he wasn't in a coma, it turned out that he had pneumonia and not a diabetic problem.  I was crushed anyway and I thought it was never going to get any better. I have to mention that a few months back I decided that I wanted to make amends with Melissa, so I had made plans for her to come over tonite and talk.  It was real good and I think it was something I really needed to do.  It was a very powerful lesson in forgiveness, I never thought I could do.  Sunday the 20th proved me right, I wake up and go to the bathroom to then find blood in the toilet, and no it was not that time of the month yet.  I called Dr.M and go her answering service and left a message about what had happened.  I was told way back in the beginning to watch for this but it had never happened so I didn't know what to do.  They said go to the ER and have it checked out.  Great now I would be in the same building as Steve & I had to do everything I could not to go and see him, who was in ICU by the way.  The ER was so slow that day and we were ignored a lot because I was not really in an emergency situation.  They finally came and took my blood.  I decided to call Steve & tell him I was there in the ER, he was worried about me.  I love him so much and really wanted him to say that I should come and see him but he didn't.  Mom got mad at me for talking to him so she left and went to get food.  The Bears were playing the chargers at 3 that day so weren't missing the game.  They came back and my count was 118K so we got to leave and I was told to make an appointment with Dr. Reiger ASAP.  The bears won the game, however Cutler broke his thumb that day, we were on a win streak!  If we only knew that was the end of our season! Anyway on Monday the 22nd we went for Caley's PTC and met with Mr.Brade, Ms.Spetter, Mr.Woltman & Mr. Durkin.  I remember telling Mr. Durkin that I didn't think that Steve & I would ever be together again.  We talked about it with Caley to make sure that she knew it was not her fault, she knew that, just checking though!  I saw Dr Rieger on the 22nd to talk about my problem which I had happen again on Monday but not on Tuesday.  I was still very sad about Steve & I had a real hard time even talking to Dr.R about it.  He was really concerned about my emotional issues not so much the blood probelm.  I said I was seeing my therapist twice a week as long as the psychiatrist next week.  I saw Dr.M on the 23rd and my count was 84K and got to lower the prednisone to 10 & 5 every other day.  She also wanted to do two more rounds of Rituxin and I was like OK I guess.  We went to the circus that night and it rocked!!!  Thanksgiving came and went with no major issues, other then fighting kids!!  On Friday the 24th I sent Steve & email telling him about how much I love him and need him in my life and that I was ready to let him go as my boyfriend but not as a friend.  I told him that I needed him in my life becasue he had become my best friend and was there this whole horrible year.  He got out of the hospital on the 23rd.  I didnt do much shopping that day becasue I just wasn't feeling it.  On the 26th I invited Steve to come over and hang out, I thought I could handle just being his friend but all I wanted to do was grab him and hug him and kiss him until he said everything was going to be OK.  I have to mention also that I started going back to church with Erin to bible study on Wednesday nights and going to church on Sunday everyweek since my October trip to the hospital.  I had been praying like crazy telling God that I wanted him to make Steve come back to me.  That night when I had Steve over I had went up to go to the bathroom and I prayed to God saying I am going to try and kiss him unless you make me feel like I shouldn't.  I went back downstairs and I grabbed him and he said no do not kiss me.  So I guess that was my sign to not do it.  I was resigned to the fact that we were not meant to be together and I need to get used to being just his friend.  On the 27th we go over to Dennis & Erins for Molly's birthday, the bears are playing the reaiders with Caleb Hanie as the quarterback!!!  Oh boy are we in trouble!  But we won!!!  That night Steve called and said he wanted to hang out again and I was like OK.  On the phone he said I love you, I was like wow that came out of no where!  He gets here and I am outside and he says I have a surprise for you and he walks up and grabs me and kisses me!!!  I melted!!!  I was so happy!!  I know it doesnt fix any of our problems and still today they are not fixed but i dont really care!!  The 28th was the time of the month again and it was OK nothing bad at all.  I was set to have more Rituxin on the 30th but Dr.M emailed me and said that we were not going to do it.  It was a wild ride this month thats for sure!!