Life Happens

I have not posted here in awhile again, I guess its because life happens. I remember why we all used to have a journal that you would keep by your bedside so you could write your thoughts at any minute. I will try to use this more often as I know it can be a valuable tool for me. Since I wrote last a lot has happened, like life!! Steve was drinking again and entered a relapse prevention treatment center. He has completed that now and is home working hard on continuing his sobriety. All of this has been very hard for me. Since the last day I wrote I spent the very next day in the ER all by myself with the exception of the hour that Lori sat with me.  Thankfully that awful UTI that did not want to go away finally did.  I try not to worry to much what kind of effects having the infection for so long and being on antibiotics for so long could have had on the baby. I move forward to this week.  Caley has been having a real hard time with everything lately. She seems to cry all the time. This kills me. What can I do for her? I just don't know. Mom seems to think that it would be best for her if she goes to school some where else next year. But how can we do that? I want to help her! Besides that my emotions have been everywhere, I have no control over my life at all. I have so many issues to deal with and I can't get away from them for even one minute. I love my family and I am so grateful for them, I just need my own space to deal with my life! On that note, I have to get ready to go see the dr. Til next time!

I know I have not written much in a wile and I promised to update, however today I just feel like writing.  I have been battling a UTI now for just about four weeks and it is not getting any better.  Not to mention my emotions are all over the place.  Lately I have been having trouble in every aspect of my life.  Caley, Steve, Mom & Dad!!  I just feel like I do not even have a moment of peace.  I wish I could feel good about my life and I just do not know how to.  I feel that I'm being pulled down into the darkness and I just do not have the strength to fight back and get out of it.  I'm so worried about everything and I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it.  I have no control over my life at all.  Steve worries me everyday, is he telling the truth? Is he drinking again? How can I live this way? I feel like I can not even breath right now.  I wish there was one thing in my life that I felt was in complete chaos.  Maybe it's this blog.  The place that I get to sit and pour it all out there.  Also, my friend is very sick in the hospital and I can not go visit her again because it would be unsafe for me and the baby.  I need to go now and figure this out. Thanks for listening.

The last few weeks.

On Monday February 6th I went over to Steve's house and took a pregnancy test.  It came out positive very quickly.  For a moment I couldn't breath or speak.  I sat with Steve in complete silence for about 5 minutes.  Not knowing what was going thru his mind at the time, I was silently thanking God for giving me this baby. In the fall when things were real rough for Steve & I, I had prayed to God asking if we were meant to be that he would show me some way. It didn't happen then and I was going to give up on Steve forever, which I know some people would have loved!  I tried to let go of him and tell myself that my life would be better with out him.  It was very hard to do, obviously because that was not Gods plan.  After we sat there in the quiet I said hey guess what? You are going to be a dad!!  He let out a big breath and said yeah I am.  Not as enthusiastic as I was, but still had a little excitement in there.  My phone then rang and it was Colleen, I asked her to get me a test from her work, even though I already took one.  I did not tell her yet that I knew.  Steve wanted to wait a little bit.  His parents were out of town so we were spending the week at his house.  Later that day when I went to pick Caley up from school, I just couldn't contain myself anymore so I told my friend Jolene. She said she would not tell anyone until we were ready for everyone to know.  The next day I told Colleen, Mom & Lori.  Now this is the part that gets hard, Steve did not tell his parents when they came home from vacation.  I was really upset and hurt by this.  Finally after two weeks, he told his mom.  But he didn't tell her that we knew for two weeks, he told her that he just found out!  I was ticked!  Not only did we know for two weeks, we had already seen the Dr and had an ultra sound were we saw the heartbeat!!  I thought wow, I guess he really is not happy about this is he? Oh well I am not taking it back now!  It took another two weeks before he told his dad, and that is the extent of people he has told.  I'm still very upset by this, obviously because here I am telling the free world and he hasn't even told his Aunts or Uncles or cousins!!!  However, I move on!  Steve is working this week, which is the best news we have had in a long time.  Also, my lawyer is working hard on my disability case.  I am truly hopeful that everything will work out.  So like I said my count has been bouncing around a bit but staying in pretty good places.  Dr. M has said that she will remove my spleen if my count drops below 30K.  I am very much against this!  The MFM, which stands for Maternal Fetal Medicine, says that it is safe to have the surgery done during pregnancy, but would like to try something else first.  I can see this being a crazy battle!  I pray that I will not need to deal with it at all!  I have my second  UTI of this pregnancy and I am worried there is something wrong with my Kidney.  I am having pain in my back and waiting on a call from the doctor.  However, that is not the only thing that is weighing on me today.  One of my very good friends from grade school is in the ICU.  Please pray for her today.  I love you all and I will write more again soon!

I know, it has been awhile.

I have not written anything thing here in awhile, mostly because of the news of my pregnancy that I was not ready to share with the world just yet!  This last six weeks since I have written last has been a very interesting time for me.  Obviously as I just mentioned I am pregnant! Steve & I are full of every emotion there is lately!  I have been feeling ok just a little quesy and having headaches.  My count has been fluctuating a bit here and there.  But as my last post read they had doubled in the month of January from 57K to 103K.  My last count was last week and it was 94K, I am going in a little bit to have them checked again.  Right now I am trying to orgainize my thoughts better to tell the story of the last six weeks, I will get back to this later!!

Things are looking up!

So on Friday I had my mom wash my hair which was pretty fun!  Caley & I went to Sports night at the middle school. I spent the time talking with Beth who I haven't talked to in a minute!!! After that we went to drop off our cookie order form at the cookie moms house, she wasn't there.  Gina was there to drop hers off as well so we chatted a bit.  With the car running and the fuel level very low light blinking at us, we drove to the lanes to meet up with mom & dad & Coll.  Becki was there so I told her the whole Steve saga & then we left & it was snowing!!!  We went back to the cookie moms house to drop off the cookie order form & chatted for about an hour.  I had a nice time chatting with her.  Caley & I then came home & I watched a little tv then off to bed.  Caley had her first basketball game on Saturday & they played pretty good! The score was 8-6 and they lost.  The poor little girl on our team shot the ball as the timer sounded and it went in but they did not count it.  After that we started our day of running around, which then would turn into a terrible day for me!!  We went to lanes for breakfast & my sister decided she woke up on the wrong side of the bed and she didn't care, she was going to be mean Colleen for the day!!  LOOK OUT!!!!  She was done being mean by the time breakfast was over!  Then mom, Caley & i went to pick up my child support & then to the music store to rent Caley a violin.  Yeah if I didn't mention Caley was playing the clarinet & decided to switch to the violin.  So we had to go rent one.  Then we took mom home & then back out to Claires to shop for a birthday present for her friend.  I told Caley I did not want to spend much money & that I could not afford to buy her anything.  I really hate this, you know going into a store with your child & not being able to get them even a $3 bottle of nailpolish.  But I did, I caved and bought her that nail polish along with spending more then I wanted to.  SO now we are on our way back home and I tell Caley that since we only get $50 and we just spent $35 we do not have money left to go any where else.  She was sad and sorry that she asked me to spend so much, I was sorry too!  Colleen texted & wanted us to come over and hang out, we had time to kill so why not!  At Coll's I watched her do her workout, because it was way too difficult for me!!  She is doing awesome & working so hard! I left to bring Caley to her party & I figured I would hang out & chat with some of the other moms.  I sat around for a bit just watching the kids play and chatting with some of the moms.  Our cookie mom was there & grabbed me and said I have to give you back the checks you gave me for cookies.  While I was talking with her and another mom I see Caley come out of the gym to get a drink.  The party was at the gym & the girls were divided into four teams & given t-shirts to designate there team color.  I saw some girls also had markers and were writing words on other girls shirts.  This is when I noticed Caley who was now on her way back to the gym, the back of her t-shirt said "KICK ME"!!  I asked Caley who did it & she told me, she didn't seem bothered by it.  I was glad for that but really starting to get angry about it.  One thing that have to mention has to come back to ITP.  I was on Prednisone, steroids, from December 16,2010 to July 28,2011.  Then again from October 19,2011 to January 4,2012.  The steroids do a lot of bad things to you, one thing that most people don't think about is the mood swings.  I didn't experience I sat this mostly until when I was off of the steroids.  I have a real hard time lately controlling my moods.  I tend to go from happy to sobbing in a matter of minutes.  Laughing to screaming in a flash!  It is not fun!  I went home & talked about both things with my parents & really got more worked up by doing that.  I went back to pick up Caley & I asked the birthday girls mom if she saw what happened & she said yes and that the girl did it to several other girls.  She was just joking & trying to be funny.  I am glad that I did not say anything to her parents because I was still real upset about it.  I asked CaleyCaley was not.  I just wanted her to know, I am sure the girl was just trying to be funny & not mean, it was just misinterpreted by me, who is a crazy person because of Steroids!!!  Also I was thinking about the whole check thing & I thought how could I tell these people that my troop does not want there checks because they are afraid they will bounce.  SO I sent an email to the cookie mom saying that I did not feel comfortable asking these people to take there checks back because they think there bad checks.  This started a snowball effect that finally was resolver yesterday!!  Let the emailing begin!!!  Sunday I got up & sent Caley to CCD with Val & I went to 1st Church.  I signed Caley & I up for a mother daughter devotional based on purity.  It is called the princess & the kiss.  SO far it is real nice & I love the time that Caley & I are spending together talking.  I was at church until 2 and then I was headed home.  I talked to Val who had taken Caley & Eve to go door to door in our neighborhood to sell cookies.  It did not go well.  I got home & found an email from the cookie mom to call her, I did and got no answer. Colleen & I went to Dominicks to get a few things & that is when she called me back.  I know this is the internet & it is open for all to see so I will try not to say much more about this other then I felt like this problem was with me and only me because of who I am.  After talking to a friend on Monday night I did realize that I was over the top with taking it personal so I tried to let it go. Later that night I had an argument with my mom & decided I need to get out of here!  That is what I am working on now! Earlier on Monday I received an email from our troop leader citing the policy from the cookie handbook, saying not to take checks from customers.She also said that they will take the checks and to bring them back to the cookie mom.  I did & she was waiting for me with a copy of the policy in her hand.  I had decided at this point that I wanted to call someone from the girl scout office to clarify this policy.  I called & left a message for one lady & then called back & decided I needed to make sure I was getting to the correct person, so I ended up leaving a message for another lady.  She called me back within an hour.  She told me that it was fine to take checks that are written to Girl Scouts just not the troop.  Ok so all cleared up now, the problem wasn't that they couldn't take the checks, it is just that they did not know what to do with them.  On Tuesday I decided to send an email to the lady that my leader spoke with.  I told her how I felt that this was a personal issue & that they deal with me different then everyone else. I also spent the day cleaning my room, it felt great to get some things done! On Wednesday the lady I left a message with on Monday finally called me back.  She had received a copy of my email and was tyring to explain everything to me.  You see I understand the need for a safeguard to ensure that the troop won't have to pay bank fees, it was just never explained.  No one ever said do not take checks for cookies or make sure they are written to Girl Scouts & not the troop.  With that said I told the lady that the situation had been taken care of and that they were going to take my checks and deposit them with the troops cookie money.  She said they can't do that if they are written to Girl Scouts, and I was like I don't know but they are, have a nice day, bye!  So I was on my way to Dr.M for my monthly blood draw & check up.  I hadn't eaten anything yet because I was in a hurry out the door.  I had my blood drawn & I felt very dizzy & my legs felt like jello.  I sat for a bit & the girl got me some water until I felt I could walk again.  Dr.M had a student who came in first and asked me just about everything.  Then I waited & waited & waited!  Dr.M came in with the student & asked the student to tell her about me.  It was interesting because at first she presented it all wrong & Dr.M stopped her & made her start all over.  Anyway my count is UP 103K!!!!!  So awesome!!  Dr.M asked me what has been going on any problems.  So I told her my arms have been getting tired real fast lately.  I have had to stop & break twice already while typing this.  She is sending me to a neurologist to see if there is another reason for the arm weakness.  Today was an ok day just getting a few things done for dad.  I got a crib from down the street for Lori! Now I have to go!  Til next time!

Lots to say & not enough time in the day to say it!

Where to begin, I don't really know! Caley went with my dad to the daddy daughter dance, they had a great time & looked awesome!!  Steve & I officially broke up today & amazingly enough I feel good about it.  I was sad & cried a bit but I just have this feeling of calm throughout me.  Today I went and had that horrible skin tag removed off my back & I am so glad!!  It will be biopsied & I will know what it is in 7-10 days.  I have to have my mom wash my hair for me because I can't get my back wet, this should be fun!!  Sold a ton of girl scout cookies!  It should be a lot of fun getting to visit with everyone while delivering the cookies!  I have made a new friend who is the best!  You know who you are!!  I'm so glad we are friends!  Real tired lately!!  Denied for disability again. Not really sure what to do next.  Job search has begun but it is very discouraging when I am falling asleep at my lap top!  Well got to go have mom wash my hair!  Love you all!

I have had enough!

This thing called ITP sure has done something to my life!  I don't even know where to start.  Tuesday Steve & I had the worst fight we ever had in our whole eight years.  I can't even tell you what it was about because I don't really even know myself.  Besides my problems with Steve that have become unmanagable since I have been sick there is not one thing in my life that is not messed up some how or some way because of this stupid thing!  For a long time all I ever wanted was to live like a normal grown up person.  Has that been too much to ask for? Maybe!  Maybe because my whole childhood I was a spoiled brat and did not handle dissapointment so my mom would just give me whatever I wanted so I wouldn't be upset. I am still that spoiled little brat today and that is why I am typing and carrying on about it!  I want so much more out of my life and this ITP is holding me back.  I know that I need to be positive and I need to try harder but I just have never been that way.  When you go threw life always getting what you want there just is no other way.  At 32 years old, how do I stop that way of thinking? How do I get out of here and make something of my life? Somedays I feel that it is never going to happen that I just have to suck it up and be thankful for what I have.  I mean I truly am thankful that I have a home to live in and food to eat and electric and internet and heat and I could go on and on of the neccesary stuff that I do have.  Also, I am not in as bad of shape ITP wise as some others are.  I have not been in the hospital since October & I have not had any major critical type issues with my ITP.  I thank God every day for those things.  But I guess I need to thank other people every day.  I need to thank my parents for letting us live here.  I need to thank all my family and friends that have helped take care of Caley when I was too sick to do it myself.  I need to thank my doctor and all the people at the hospital for everything they have done for me.  I need to thank my therapist because without her I surley wouldn't be here today.  I have to thank all the ladies in bible study for praying for me all the time.  And even if I do all that and I try real hard I just don't know if it will change anything.  Will it make me happy?  Will it give me a chance to leave here?  I pray so hard everyday that something changes inside of me and I stop feeling this way.